Unthought Known: Navigating the Unseen Impact of NPE Revelations

Influential psychoanalyst and writer, Christopher Bollas coined the term “unthought known“ to describe those deep-seated, unconscious truths that influence our lives without our direct awareness. These latent truths can be profoundly disorienting when brought to light, as many Not Parent Expected (NPE) individuals have discovered. I first encountered this term during a panel discussion that I appeared on with Dani Shapiro, author of Inheritance, where she discussed this concept in her exploration of her own NPE experience, revealing the hidden impact of family secrets on identity and self-perception. The phrase was popularized through Pearl Jam’s lyrics in the song “Unthought Known,” where Eddie Vedder urges listeners “to tap into these hidden depths of their consciousness and discover the unexplored aspects of their being.â€

Upon hearing the term and Shapiros explanation, the concept of the unthought known immediately resonated with me and giving me language for lifelong experiences of not quite knowing what they meant or why they continued to linger in the recesses of my mind – the interfamily discussions that made no sense, the words that made no sense, the actions of family members that made no sense…. I knew there was something there, but I didn’t have the information that would have allowed me to process this “genetic family secret†of the unknown. 

As my spouse of 40 years, Ralph has expressed, “when there are family secrets and you hear bits and pieces, but you have no concept that will lead you to the secrets, partly because you don’t know that there are secrets and partly because the bits and pieces don’t fit the reality that you know.†

As my spouse of 40 years, Ralph, often says, “When family secrets exist, and you hear ‘bits and pieces’ of them, you have no framework to connect these fragments because you don’t even know the secrets exist. The pieces don’t fit into the reality you know.â€

Once I made discovery of the genetic truth of my paternal identity (hyperlink my about page), these “unthought knowns aspects of my life started to reveal itself and became more clear. Suddenly those “bits and pieces, began to connect like dots on a map and my life as I knew it began to make more sense as I experienced the emotional turbulence of uncovering buried truths. 

My life NOW makes more sense!

My discovery was 6 years ago. Now realize that I always had a felt sense that there was more buried beneath the obvious surface, but on a deeper level I knew not to ask and had in effect chosen to remain in the unthought known and was an unknowing participant realm of family secret keeping. Though an exceedingly painful journey of discovery, I have never felt more at peace with who I am that now. Moving from the unknowing to the knowing has profoundly influenced my desire to help others who are on their own NPE path of uncovering family secrets about their own genetic identity. 

Why This Matters

Understanding and addressing the “unthought known” aspects of our lives is crucial for emotional healing and identity reconstruction. By bringing these hidden truths to light, we can process and integrate them, ultimately leading to personal growth and resilience. My informed trauma, narrative coaching approach offers a compassionate, evidence-based approach to navigating these revelations, ensuring that clients feel supported and empowered throughout their journey.

Embrace your journey, heal your heart, and reclaim your story.

With resilience and hope,

Paulette