The Resilient NPE: An Emergent Concept

It’s Not What Happens to Us. It’s How We Respond

Six years ago, I stumbled upon a secret that would forever change my life. In 2018, driven by curiosity about my storied racial and ethnic origins, I decided to take a commercial DNA test. Like many others from the African diaspora, I was eager to uncover the answers to those timeless questions: Who am I? Where did I come from?

The day I received that fateful email from AncestryDNA.com, within a few minutes, 50% of my identity vanished. The shock was so overwhelming that I felt frozen. I was in shock and disbelief. As I read through the results, a wave of betrayal washed over me, awakening a deep sadness and a profound sense of loss. I couldn’t help but wonder if I would ever recover from this revelation. These thoughts stirred a renewed desire to rediscover who I am. I knew there was no turning back, but I also knew that I needed to find the fortitude and resilience to navigate this new crossroad at the age of 65, while facing major health challenges for both me and my spouse, a cross-state move from Hawaii, and other significant life transitions, I also knew that I needed to find a way to be as present as possible for our children and grandchildren

As I grappled with this new reality, I soon realized that my journey would be more complicated than I had imagined. Many of my usual support systems—those I relied upon for comfort and care—imploded without warning. Or, as I often hear people say, I was ghosted by those I least suspected would do such a thing, leaving an emotional void that was hard to fathom. Thank goodness for my spouse, children, grandchildren and surprisingly unexpected people that I had only known for a brief period  who were there for me, demonstrating unwavering compassion, genuine support and provided the necessary space to grieve and recover.

Resilience After Trauma: The Difficult Growth Road Ahead

Resilience, in its simplest form, is the ability to return to a state of normalcy or to “bounce back†from adversity or trauma, all while maintaining focus and optimism about the future. The American Psychological Association (APA) defines resilience as “the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or significant sources of stress—such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems, or workplace and financial stressors. As much as resilience involves ‘bouncing back’ from these difficult experiences, it can also involve profound personal growth.â€

Although I had long been considered an expert on resilience, this concept had never felt more vital than it did during my personal journey of trauma recovery. Numerous studies have shown that individuals with high levels of resilience are less likely to develop stress disorders and more likely to stay healthy and in control of their lives. According to the APA, “Like building a muscle, increasing your resilience takes time and intentionality.†Focusing on four core components — connection with others, wellness, healthy thinking, and meaning making — can empower you to withstand, grow, and learn from difficult and traumatic experiences.

For nearly a year, my daily life was consumed with intrusive thoughts about my unexpected discovery and trying to figure out who he may have been—now that I knew my genetic paternal identity was not what I had been told and there was no living person who could share information. Just as persistently, I knew that I needed to remain present in my life and move forward in my resilience while actively healing. With the support of other NPEs on this journey and by developing a new and robust safety net, I was able to take the necessary steps to bounce back, not only surviving but flourishing. It has not been easy, but I am getting there—one day at a time.

“You’re more likely to act yourself into a feeling than feel yourself into action.â€

Jerome Bruner, Harvard Psychologist

If you are currently navigating the trauma of your NPE discovery or any other type of relationship trauma — family secret keeping, family betrayal, or parental wounds—it may feel as though the pain and obstacles are insurmountable or tougher than you expected. Here is what I know: it may not be easy, but this too shall pass. Every day, people face and rise above their adversities in order to move on. So can you!

Please visit Build Your Resilience to obtain more detailed information on resilience and useful steps on how you can foster adaptive behaviors to promote your own well-being in the aftermath of trauma and adversity.

Embrace your journey, heal your heart, and reclaim your story.

With resilience and hope,

Paulette