Finding Clarity in the Messy Middle: A Journey of Self-Discovery
Have you ever experienced a moment so profound that it stays with you forever? For me, that moment came during an artist’s retreat in Hawaii in 2020. I had attended this retreat a few years earlier in 2016 and absolutely loved the experience. It provided a unique opportunity to turn inward and gain powerful insights about myself.
Rediscovering Myself Through Creative Expression
During the first retreat, and with no prior experience, I was proud of my creative rendition, which revealed itself to be an expression of the self – myself. My painting reflected the rich mix of racial and ethnic identities celebrated in my family lore and was imbued with a sense of pride and connection to my diverse heritage. When I looked at the final product it felt regal, confident, and inspired. While not the greatest in terms of artistic quality, my work reflected my heightened awareness and insights about who I believed myself to be, both inwardly and outwardly. Although I am by no means an artist, I quickly realized that my lack of formal artistic training didn’t matter. The retreat was about so much more than creating art—it was about self-discovery, creative expression, and tapping into a deeper sense of empowerment.
The Unfolding of Identity Disruptionâ„¢
Returning to the retreat in 2020, I hoped to recapture that sense of wonder and self-discovery I had experience from the prior retreat. Little did expect that this time, the experience would be intertwined with the profound personal journey I was on due to my NPE revelation. During one of the guided meditation sessions in the previous retreat, I experienced powerful imagery related to the ancestral women in my life, an image that remains indelibly etched in my heart. In this meditation, I was visited by a wise guide and generations of ancestral women. I still recall the weight of them all standing on my shoulders. The guide said they had a message for me. I listened intently for the important message, but no matter how hard I tried, I could only hear a faint whisper. These days, I wonder if somewhere in the unthought known, there a part of me that sensed they were trying to reveal my mother’s secret about being an NPE, though unknown at the time.
When I received an email that this retreat was being offered again, I jumped at the chance to attend and invited a very dear friend to join me. We couldn’t wait for the arrival date.
But this time, things were different. My first retreat was before my devastating NPE discovery. Now, in the aftermath of my shocking DNA revelation, I was still very much early in my trauma cycle and not emotionally ready for such an experience. This discovery led me to coin the term Identity Disruptionâ„¢ to describe the profound change in my sense of self and place caused by learning that part of my genetic and ethnic identity was different from what I had believed.
Confronting Pain and Finding Healing
This time around, everything felt disorienting, paralyzing, and painful everything felt disorienting, paralyzing, and painful. The 2020 retreat was not the same exhilarating experience as before. In addition to the dizzying emotions that I was experiencing just by being in attendance, I was also grappling with feedback from the retreat helper about my painting that smacked of racial bias and …, I wasn’t ready to deal with her insensitivity under any circumstances. Honestly – it hurt! The experience struck at the heart of the deep woundedness from the Identity Disruption™ that I was presently living through. Part of my genetic and ethnic identity had changed, profoundly altering my sense of self and place. I felt like a stranger to myself, and my in-progress painting was reflecting my inner turmoil.
Within a few hours, overwhelmed by a flood of emotions rising like a 50-foot tidal wave, I knew I needed to leave. I picked up my painting and retreated in a huff. My observant and understanding traveling companion quickly followed me in agreement and we headed toward the airport. We stopped at a nice restaurant with a luxurious bar, where I ordered a glass of wine to try to pull myself together.
Upon arrival and after placing my carry-on items onto the conveyor belt at the airport, the unexpected happened. My discombobulated, messy-looking painting got caught inside the security machine. Within a few minutes, a TSA agent was able to remove it. Instead of running it back through the machine, the agent passed it off to a rather tall TSA agent whose appearance was reminiscent of actor and former wrestler, Dwayne “The Rock†Johnson, who accepted it on the other side of the machine.
This agent studied the painting before giving it back to me. He looked up and asked, “Did you buy this or paint it yourself?†I immediately felt criticized. Indignantly, I responded that I had painted it. In a beautiful Samoan dialect, he looked straight into my eyes and said, “Soooo you’re feeling kinda messy, eh?†His words hit me hard because he was right. I was reminded that I had, in fact, drawn “MM†onto the painting on the lower right-hand corner as an abbreviation for Messy Middle.
What happened next was unexpectedly surprising …
He looked back at the picture and, in a very caring manner, said, “I like her.†Then, gingerly, he handed her back to me. I was stunned and amazed. I lifted her from his hands and responded, “I love her!†It was the most comforting moment of the weekend. Though I was not feeling like my old self, a part of me knew that I was on a winding, rollercoaster journey of discovery.
I was indeed going through the “messy middle†phase of my journey during that retreat weekend, and it was OK. Those few moments in the airport helped propel me onto my path of reclamation, reintegration, and ultimately acceptance of my new normal identity. In time, I began to realize that the painful experience that I had endured during the 2020 retreat had become a crucial part of my journey, allowing me to confront and embrace the complexities of my identity and continue my path toward healing, reconciliation, and acceptance of my new normal identity.
Understanding the Messy Middle
The “messy middle†is that challenging phase between the initial shock of an NPE revelation and the eventual acceptance and integration of a new identity. It’s a time of confusion, pain, and intense self-reflection. Here are a few steps to help navigate this journey:
- Acknowledge Your Feelings: It’s essential to recognize and validate your emotions, no matter how messy they may seem.
- Seek Support: Surround yourself with supportive friends, family, or a therapist who understands the NPE experience.
- Engage in Creative Expression: Whether through art, writing, or another medium, find ways to express your feelings creatively.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this difficult time. Healing takes time and patience.
Remember, the messy middle is just a phase. With time, support, and self-compassion, you will find your way to a new sense of self and peace.
Share Your Story Have you experienced your own “messy middle†in the wake of an NPE revelation? How did you navigate your journey of self-discovery and healing? I’d love to hear your story. Please share your experiences in the comments below – let’s support each other through this transformative process.
What most paintings looked like:
My 2020 version:
Embrace your journey, heal your heart, and reclaim your story.
With resilience and hope,
Paulette
